"I just need some SPACE" and more words of wisdom from Mrs Grumpy (it's been a long pandemic)

On the beach this morning, I was clapped by a dog walker who called out "bravo".  I was wearing my enormous blue cosy cape-like robe and had just emerged from a chilly swim in the sea.  I smiled and said thank-you, feeling slightly embarrassed about being clapped for merely swimming.  As I walked back home, I realised my outfit might look rather like an oversized Superwoman, or maybe some kind of "real" athlete.  It is an incredible thing that I can swim in this cold water, in December without freezing and I secretly enjoyed the moment of acknowledgment by the dog walker.  However, what is funny is that swimming in the cold sea is actually not that difficult compared to the relentless endurance needed to get through these pandemic times.

Having heard a lot of different stories of people's struggles this year, one thing that is obvious is that each experience is entirely individual.  A GP once told me that the Christmas period can act as a "magnifier" for struggles or tensions that we have anyway.  It made a lot of sense at that time.  Now I am wondering if the pandemic can also act like a magnifier, bringing to light a difficulty or imbalance that is already there?  In yoga, there is a Sanskrit word, samskara, which most simply refers to mental and emotional patterns that we cycle through in our lifetime.  These can be positive or negative, but can sometimes lead to feeling "stuck" in a groove.  Or the same issue that we think we have dealt with, circles back round in a different form.

My recent pattern has become grumpiness with my partner at home, usually in relation to being interrupted while I am trying to get something done.  "I just need some space" is probably my most common phrase at the moment.  Our house is fairly small, narrow and tall arranged over three floors.  But it has started to feel more like a narrowboat recently.  Just as I start cooking in our tiny kitchen, M wants to make a cup of coffee.  When I am desperate to take wet swimming gear off in the tiny hallway, he is there doing leg stretches before his run.  "It's all part of living together" he says cheerfully and I'm sure this is true. But when these negotiations happen about ten times each day, I find it exhausting.  I also startle easily, so each time he walks into a room where I'm peacefully working, I yelp and it takes five minutes to recover every time.  Added to this, I no longer have time alone in the house since the pandemic started, quiet times when I can potter and just relax without being disturbed for a few hours. 

On a scale of struggles that one might be experiencing in this long pandemic period, I understand that this might come under the category of "minor".  And just to be reassuring to myself, I have only been a little grumpy and still often sound like my kinder self.  But rather than judging this as only a small issue to therefore be ignored, I am seeing that my need for physical and emotional space within the house is important.  I am a complete introvert, and although I enjoy social interaction, I do most of my processing of thoughts and feelings alone.  And with the constant changes and uncertainties of this year, there has been plenty to absorb and digest.  One more emotional thing can feels exhausting and sometimes I just feel "full up".  My health has taken a dip too in the last month, which partly explains my shorter fuse.

I have to remember that these times are exceptional, even though the pandemic has started to feel more "normal" than our old lives.  It is probably to be expected that some of us are feeling frazzled by the intensity of being mostly at home.  One friend suggested tying a ribbon onto the door handle, to show that I do not want to be interrupted.  So when I write my blog, I usually remember to put this on the door and M usually remembers to not come in, unless he needs his phone, his headphones, his wallet or all the other things that require interrupting the creative flow. 

Moaning about not getting enough space has also helped me reflect on how else I can create the space that I long for.  These patterns or samskaras are familiar, my health often reminding me that I need to find some balance again.  Sometimes it is space from my endless to-do list, which I diligently stick to until my health starts to show I've pushed myself too hard again.  Other times it is space to write, breathe more deeply or to allow myself to rest more, which I can forget until my body is insisting on these things to return to health.  Maybe I need space from the never-ending treadmill of constantly cooking and planning every meal, without the break from the occasional lunch "out".  Perhaps I need to remember that I don't have to try to be Superwoman all the time, with perfectly made organic home-cooked food and being supremely patient no matter what.

Whatever the struggle we are finding the hardest right now as we face weeks more of restrictions, giving ourselves a little cheer or moment of recognition of our endurance, our patience, our adaptability or sheer grit feels important.  Because this has been a marathon and rest stops have been few and far between.