Accepting the present moment just as it is. How the stages of "culture shock" could help us understand the process of adapting to life now...
Why isn't getting back out into the world more fun I lament? We now have all these exciting possibilities to tempt us out of our homes, ranging from going to the hairdresser to having a meal out. I have been looking forward to returning my library books and venturing a little further from my high street for the first time. But when the moment finally came, it was a total disappointment. I still find seeing face masks, the social distance and the plastic screens a shock each time I venture out. I feel tearful if things are too busy and want to get home quickly. And then the aha moment came... this feels like culture shock. The adjustment process that people experience when going to live in a new country for the first six months or so. Could it be that a similar process of culture shock is happening now as we adapt to our new normal, a "pandemic shock"?
I lived in Asia during part of my 30s and I remember vividly how I slowly adapted to life overseas. As someone who likes to read travel guides, finding chapters on culture shock helped enormously as it explained the various stages of adjustment. Culture shock can feel like an all-encompassing process with moments of each day involving tiny adaptations to the weather, cultural and language differences. And although none of us have taken a long haul flight and travelled to another continent, we are leaving our homes into a different version of our country. Unlike going to a new continent, parts of our lives remain the same but there are enough small changes to make things feel unsettling.
The first, brief stage of culture shock is called the "honeymoon stage". It can last for days or even weeks when everything looks exciting and colourful. On arriving in Malaysia, I loved the diversity of cultures instantly and the variety of food was amazing! The constant heat and high humidity were just part of the new adventure and it helped me to slow down a little. Everything was possible, including travel to nearby tropical islands and an amazing job.
As we venture back out into our "new normal" while the pandemic is still simmering around us, the honeymoon stage has been minuscule in comparison to moving overseas. But still, after being mostly at home for months, just knowing that you can choose to eat a meal out or get a reflexology treatment is wonderful. The best part of this stage has been seeing my friends who live nearby in person. After spending too much time on Zoom, real human contact is one thing I've genuinely missed (and my yoga class).
The next stage of culture shock, known as the "frustration stage" quickly and inevitably follows. The main features are becoming agitated regularly at basic things being different and comparing your new culture with that of your home. After a few weeks of living in Malaysia, I knew I was in this phase when it felt like all normal tasks took so much energy and brain space to complete.
I couldn't find familiar food that I wanted to purchase in gigantic supermarkets. The hot, humid weather was tiring and included dramatic thunderstorms that made going out in the evening nearly impossible. Sitting outside on warm evenings meant getting bitten by huge mosquitoes. The internet in my flat only worked for about five minutes at a time which frustratingly took six months to solve. The dream job was initially hard work, spending most of my time marking books rather than exploring the city. And without even trying, my mind couldn't help but compare the lengthy experience of trying to find Marmite in a shopping mall the size of Bluewater with popping to the local village shop at home.
As we slowly adjust to our new normal here in England, I would say that I am definitely in the "frustration stage" of adapting. The excitement of getting new library books was thwarted by the impersonal process of being handed a bag of books in a carrier bag while wearing a face mask. The joy of visiting M and S was hampered by the busyness of the shop. I'm grumpy with people not wearing face masks nor keeping some social distance. I'm frustrated with the ridiculous Prime Minister's announcements that don't seem to be following the advice of their scientists even though they claim to. I would love to have a meal out so I don't have to cook or wash up, but is it worth the risk?
I keep comparing my experience of life now to life before this pandemic. And to make things worse, I think I should be having a great time and be enjoying this freedom. I want to be full of enthusiasm about being able to do more things, yet I come home jarred and moaning. Nothing is as good as before, and all the plastic screens and hand sanitiser in the world can't make the pandemic stop. I am imagining that everyone else is relaxing, eating out with friends and planning to fly to Mallorca for a much needed holiday. But in my small recent survey of friends, I discover a lot of mixed feelings going on and once again am relieved that it is not just me.
1) Try to not negatively compare our new systems with life before. Things at the moment are different, whether we are visiting the dentist, cafe or hairdressers. It is impossible to not notice how things have changed, but we can notice when we are becoming judgemental, irritated or impatient. I keep wishing that we can get down to zero cases of coronavirus so that we can go back to normal. Yet am equally grateful for the social distancing rules that mean we can at least do some things.
2) Lower your expectations. Rather than hoping for a wonderful, relaxing time at the hairdressers with nice magazines, a long chat with your favourite stylist and busy vibe of activity all around you, lower your expectations. Just aim this time for a much needed haircut.
3) Accept how you are actually feeling, not how you think you should be. This is a challenging time, as we are easing our restrictions while being aware that case numbers could start to rise again. So the kindest path is to accept that mixed feelings are probably normal at the moment. I'm still hoping for my first meal out somewhere outside, but while things are busy in my little seaside town, I might just be more relaxed with a take-away salad!
Of course, the frustration stage of culture shock does pass. As those who have lived overseas know, there is the "adjustment stage" ahead where things start to click into place. Things that used to feel so different and confusing become normal and life feels more balanced again. In Asia, I adapted to the thunderstorms, the complex road systems and started to feel more like a "local". I was at home eating my favourite masala dosa surrounded by the buzz of the city and no longer compared things to life back in England.
I've not reached the adjustment phase yet here in the pandemic. But we will know when it starts to happen when we don't need to watch a YouTube video about going to the dentist, hairdressers or sending our children back to school. At some point face masks will start to feel comfortable in shops and we will know the new rules. Unfortunately there is no short-cut, the only way to reach it is through the ups and downs of the frustration stage. So let's be gentle with ourselves and accept the present moment just as it is now. Eckhart Tolle words of wisdom resonate:
I lived in Asia during part of my 30s and I remember vividly how I slowly adapted to life overseas. As someone who likes to read travel guides, finding chapters on culture shock helped enormously as it explained the various stages of adjustment. Culture shock can feel like an all-encompassing process with moments of each day involving tiny adaptations to the weather, cultural and language differences. And although none of us have taken a long haul flight and travelled to another continent, we are leaving our homes into a different version of our country. Unlike going to a new continent, parts of our lives remain the same but there are enough small changes to make things feel unsettling.
The Honeymoon stage
The first, brief stage of culture shock is called the "honeymoon stage". It can last for days or even weeks when everything looks exciting and colourful. On arriving in Malaysia, I loved the diversity of cultures instantly and the variety of food was amazing! The constant heat and high humidity were just part of the new adventure and it helped me to slow down a little. Everything was possible, including travel to nearby tropical islands and an amazing job.As we venture back out into our "new normal" while the pandemic is still simmering around us, the honeymoon stage has been minuscule in comparison to moving overseas. But still, after being mostly at home for months, just knowing that you can choose to eat a meal out or get a reflexology treatment is wonderful. The best part of this stage has been seeing my friends who live nearby in person. After spending too much time on Zoom, real human contact is one thing I've genuinely missed (and my yoga class).
The Frustration stage
The next stage of culture shock, known as the "frustration stage" quickly and inevitably follows. The main features are becoming agitated regularly at basic things being different and comparing your new culture with that of your home. After a few weeks of living in Malaysia, I knew I was in this phase when it felt like all normal tasks took so much energy and brain space to complete.
I couldn't find familiar food that I wanted to purchase in gigantic supermarkets. The hot, humid weather was tiring and included dramatic thunderstorms that made going out in the evening nearly impossible. Sitting outside on warm evenings meant getting bitten by huge mosquitoes. The internet in my flat only worked for about five minutes at a time which frustratingly took six months to solve. The dream job was initially hard work, spending most of my time marking books rather than exploring the city. And without even trying, my mind couldn't help but compare the lengthy experience of trying to find Marmite in a shopping mall the size of Bluewater with popping to the local village shop at home. As we slowly adjust to our new normal here in England, I would say that I am definitely in the "frustration stage" of adapting. The excitement of getting new library books was thwarted by the impersonal process of being handed a bag of books in a carrier bag while wearing a face mask. The joy of visiting M and S was hampered by the busyness of the shop. I'm grumpy with people not wearing face masks nor keeping some social distance. I'm frustrated with the ridiculous Prime Minister's announcements that don't seem to be following the advice of their scientists even though they claim to. I would love to have a meal out so I don't have to cook or wash up, but is it worth the risk?
I keep comparing my experience of life now to life before this pandemic. And to make things worse, I think I should be having a great time and be enjoying this freedom. I want to be full of enthusiasm about being able to do more things, yet I come home jarred and moaning. Nothing is as good as before, and all the plastic screens and hand sanitiser in the world can't make the pandemic stop. I am imagining that everyone else is relaxing, eating out with friends and planning to fly to Mallorca for a much needed holiday. But in my small recent survey of friends, I discover a lot of mixed feelings going on and once again am relieved that it is not just me.
Tips for dealing with the Frustration stage of culture shock
1) Try to not negatively compare our new systems with life before. Things at the moment are different, whether we are visiting the dentist, cafe or hairdressers. It is impossible to not notice how things have changed, but we can notice when we are becoming judgemental, irritated or impatient. I keep wishing that we can get down to zero cases of coronavirus so that we can go back to normal. Yet am equally grateful for the social distancing rules that mean we can at least do some things.
2) Lower your expectations. Rather than hoping for a wonderful, relaxing time at the hairdressers with nice magazines, a long chat with your favourite stylist and busy vibe of activity all around you, lower your expectations. Just aim this time for a much needed haircut.
3) Accept how you are actually feeling, not how you think you should be. This is a challenging time, as we are easing our restrictions while being aware that case numbers could start to rise again. So the kindest path is to accept that mixed feelings are probably normal at the moment. I'm still hoping for my first meal out somewhere outside, but while things are busy in my little seaside town, I might just be more relaxed with a take-away salad!
The Adjustment stage
I've not reached the adjustment phase yet here in the pandemic. But we will know when it starts to happen when we don't need to watch a YouTube video about going to the dentist, hairdressers or sending our children back to school. At some point face masks will start to feel comfortable in shops and we will know the new rules. Unfortunately there is no short-cut, the only way to reach it is through the ups and downs of the frustration stage. So let's be gentle with ourselves and accept the present moment just as it is now. Eckhart Tolle words of wisdom resonate:
Lovely post. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading, glad you have enjoyed it!
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