Hold steady - Easing lockdown feels more difficult than entering it...

I miss normal.  I miss being able to plan the coming weeks or months without considering coronavirus.  I miss the simplicity of checking the weather to think about when I could either swim, walk or even canoe.  Now I am checking the current R value and number of cases of Covid-19.  I'm scanning graphs to hope that I can see a downward curve appearing, giving me some sense of how we are doing.

But I have surprisingly adapted to our "staying at home" normal.  It's not always easy, but I'm in the swing of it.  It's taken most of the seven weeks to feel fairly skilled at doing yoga or mindfulness sessions by video.  I am adept at washing shopping and cleaning surfaces.  Our towels and door handles have never been so well cleaned.  And we have finally got a system of shopping once a week (plus the farmers market and vegetable box delivery) that works.

I continue to find pleasure in the small moments of life, as we all do.  Nature continues to soothe my slightly weary soul and I am learning the value of sitting still long enough to observe its abundance.  Normally I would be "doing" something, but now I sit and am kept company by a host of birds that have become my friends.  And I do feel connected by writing this blog and hearing from friends more regularly.

My cocoon I've made feels like a safe sanctuary within this pandemic.  I was expecting to stay here for at least three more weeks having studied UK's statistics.  So the announcement that we are easing our lockdown in England was another shock to the system.   I was seriously wishing that I lived in Scotland, Wales or even better New Zealand!  If we relax too soon, how do we get the virus to stop its quiet spread?  Are we ready to venture out further?  Is this the "new normal" we are supposed to get used to?  I'm not sure I'm ready yet.

And my second concern is our little seaside town.  I totally understand... after 7 weeks of being mostly stuck at home it's a wonderful thing to come to a park or the beach for a picnic.  But there could be a problem.  If people travel from more affected areas, there is a slim but real chance that someone will bring coronavirus with their sandwiches and towel.  Our town is tiny and easily congested, so if crowds form, this will be unsafe.  And on a purely practical level, the public toilets are closed!  So I'm feeling protective and want to keep our town, with an older population, as well as possible.

Maybe my strong reactions are all part of the grief process while adapting to this new world with a pandemic going on.  On the one hand, easing lockdown can feel exciting with hopes that we can "get back to normal".  After hearing the Prime Minister's announcement, for about ten minutes I wondered if we are nearly through it then?  Will we be able to simply ease back into our old lives, step by step?  Or will coronavirus force us to go much steadier than we might like?

The swirling emotions have returned with as many uncertainties as at the start of our social distancing.  Maybe even more so?  Being in lockdown was mostly straightforward after the adjustment.  Now, the start of re-emerging is stepping into yet more uncharted territory.  We are neither tucked up safely at home nor back to normal.

Reality started to sink in later, realising that "normal" is still a long way off.  Maybe I should be a little more excited that you can now play golf or sit on a bench in your park.  But all I really want to do is to visit my father in his care home and see that he is okay.  So once again, I have to remember to keep steady, not rushing ahead to try to figure things out.  I am reassured that for many of us, we will still be "staying at home" for a while longer.

I hold in mind that in time, we will all enjoy the beach again without thoughts of coronavirus lingering in the background.  As the well known phrase reminds us, "this too shall pass".  We just don't know when.