The vaccine... a delicate, emotive topic with a few more uncertainties.

My recent conversations out on my long daily walks have changed.  Rarely do I hear people talk about how peaceful and nourishing it is to be in a lockdown by the sea (even though I appreciate this every day).  Thankfully, the difficult conversations have now ceased about who we know with Covid at the moment and how they are recovering.  The latest, sensitive topic of conversation has become the vaccine... have you had it yet, which one did you have and did you have any side-effects? 

I have avoided writing about the vaccine as it such an emotive, personal issue with seemingly polarised views.  Either we are supposed to be evangelical about the wonder of science and how the vaccine is going to save us all from being stuck in this pandemic.  Or we are alternatively at the other end of the spectrum as an "anti-vaxer".  But as I step back from these extremes and start to ask some sensible, balanced questions, nothing seems quite so black and white after all.

My main questions include wondering what exactly "95% efficacy" means out in the real world?  Does the vaccine stop mild infections or asymptomatic transmission?  Is there a particular vaccine that might suit my health the best (I already have a low-grade viral issue at times)?  What are the potential effects on my own immunity?  And how long will the vaccine actually work for? 

I have to confess that I may have over-done the research this week, but I have found it fascinating and exhausting to read in equal measures.  Being extremely careful to find credible, detailed and balanced information, I have become a vaccine nerd.  I now have a few possible answers to some of my questions, but for others the answer is "we don't yet know".  This is how science works, a hypothesis is formed and then rigorous testing follows to give more understanding.  And slowly, a clearer picture is formed which can still change track depending on the data.  

I wish I was better at accepting these unknowns, the uncertainties that are just part of normal life and especially pandemic life.  But I sniff them out like a rat finding crumbs of food, and I start to want to solve them until my brain hurts and I turn off the computer.  Sometimes when I'm feeling unsettled or uncertain, like during this last year, I try to cope by researching, reading and being informed.  But with the pace of change in this pandemic with its twists and turns, new variants and vaccine development I can't even begin to "keep up".  It is like chasing after a London bus that has already pulled out.  

The other thing I start to do when feeling uncertain, is to ask everyone I know what they think about the vaccine.  With my researcher brain in gear, I have heard clear views from a few friends who don't wish to have the vaccine at all, many who are neutral and happy to go ahead, and a small number who are very positive about the miracle of science and the vaccine.  Through these conversations, I have wondered about how else to boost my immune system without the vaccine.  I have even briefly thought of going to live somewhere remote and getting some goats and dogs for company away from this pandemic and need for vaccination.

Remembering the advice that I wrote about last week about living more in the present moment, I brought my own vaccine research back to the here and now.  I drove my partner to our local medical centre at the weekend, where he rolled up his sleeve out of the car window and received his first jab by his own GP (by chance, there were four stations at the drive-in).  Catching my moment to ask one of my other vaccine questions to the GP in the three minutes we had: "Can I be told which vaccine I will be having beforehand?".  Her reply was no, but not to worry, they are all very similar!  Turning my attention back to my partner, he had no side-effects that day and just mild aches during the first night.  He is now back running 5 km without any effort, to my relief.

So, just to be clear on the unknowns that will arise when my age group begins to be vaccinated.  I won't know which vaccine I will be booked into, nor whether it may suit my health better than others, nor how long it may last for, nor exactly how efficient it will be for mild/asymptomatic infections.  Each time the phone rings with a local number, I think it is going to be my vaccine appointment phone call and I don't know what I am going to say.  Either, "yes, great, book me in" or "I have some questions I would like to talk through". Thankfully, it seems that my age group is to be delayed by a month, so I have longer to ponder the issues. 

My most useful finding was that the vaccine, helpful as it will be in this pandemic, is not going to be a panacea... meaning it is not the one thing that will cure all and stop the pandemic. And in the short term at least, this means that face-masks and some social distancing will continue to make a real difference.  Why aren't we being properly informed about this, I rant?  When I accept the vaccine as a hugely important tool out of a pandemic "tool-kit"  it makes more sense.  It means that I am not solely relying on a vaccine that is not fully known yet, and I can continue to take care of myself equally as well through other sensible measures.  

While I sit with these uncertainties I notice a knot in my stomach each time I hear more news about the vaccine.  As throughout this pandemic, I am aware that while research can be empowering, reading or watching too much can be over-doing it.  Once I have gathered as many answers as I can, I need to turn it all off and find some calm again in the here and now.  Making a decision with some uncertainty is difficult but not impossible.  It requires a small leap of faith in something, whether that is the science, the collective efforts of humanity to be vaccinated or our own path that feels intuitively right to take in this decision.  

"What if, rather than being disheartened by the ambiguity, the uncertainty of life, we accepted it and relaxed into it?" (Pema Chodron)